Leaked: Jack Layton's first memo as Leader of the Opposition...
Memo to Brad Lavigne
Re: Renovations at Stornoway
Brad, I want to hit the ground running, so please read this memo carefully – I want all the renovations at Stornoway to be finished before the end of May.
As you know, I plan to take the bus to work during the winter. Unfortunately, the recent cutbacks to buses in Ottawa means that the #2 no longer stops in front of Stornoway. Please schedule a meeting ASAP with Mayor Jim Watson and see if some infrastructure dollars can be used to restore service. I’d like the #2 to stop in front of Stornoway at 7:30 AM, and I’d also like the route changed slightly to pick me up in front of the West Block at 8:00 PM. Make sure the buses on this route are all hybrids.
In the summer, Olivia and I plan to bike to work. Right now, there’s only a viable bike path for about half of my route. Talk to the Head of the NCC and see if they can quickly put together a bike path right to our front door. There’ll be a huge photo opp the first day we bike to work, so please see if you can set up some sort of viewing gallery for the press.
While Olivia loves the kitchen (but, please see her separate memo about new colours and new floors), we need to install a second kitchen on the other side of the house. When the union boys come over, I’d like to feed them burgers and the like, but when our vegan friends come over, I want the finest raw food in the country (local produce only). Two separate kitchens and two separate cooks will keep our constituencies happy. By the way, the last time I was at Stornoway (for that awful lunch with Ignatieff and Duceppe to discuss the coalition), I noticed that Israeli humous was being served. Libby will have a hissy fit if she sees this, so please take it to the food bank in Ottawa.
Thus, in terms of personnel, we can let go of the chauffeur (but can we get him into subsidized housing to ease the transition?) and replace him with another cook. Since we are hiring another person, we can qualify for the new NDP small business incentive of $4,500. Perhaps that money can be part of the severance package for the chauffeur.
I want to dramatically reduce the greenhouse gas emissions of Stornoway. If we assume two limousines, a full house of people, I estimate a total of 75,000 lbs of CO2 emissions per year. If we take a peak month – let’s say 9,000 lbs and multiply by 12 – we can get a normalized total of 108,000 lbs of CO2 per year. Let’s announce an immediate 10% target reduction from the 108,000 figure. It won’t be hard – you’ve seen the backyard – I think we can get 4 windmills in there easy.
Please talk to the staff about changes to holidays. I’d like May Day to be a regular holiday at Stornoway. Great day for burgers with the union guys. Earth Day (April 22nd) is very important to Olivia. Please ensure the power goes off for the whole day, rather than just one hour. Now, do you understand why that vegan kitchen is so important?
Please take care with the handling of my eight guitars. I’d like to put on regular concerts for the press, so can you turn two of the bedrooms into a mini-performance room? Do you think we can televise my first concert? Speak to the CBC. Their reporters always sing along with me.
One last thing. Was Ignatieff a TV junky? There are cable TV jacks all throughout the house. Well, hasn’t anybody noticed that you don’t need cable to get CBC? Call Rogers and cancel our cable, and buy one of those rabbit-ears for the roof; take the savings and donate them to Rabble.