My name is Fred and I am a gay conservative living in Ottawa. This blog supports limited government, the right of the State of Israel to live in peace and security, and tries to expose the threat to us all from cultural relativism, post-modernism, and radical Islam. I am also the founder of the Free Thinking Film Society in Ottawa (

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Leaked: Jack Layton's first memo as Leader of the Opposition...

Memo to Brad Lavigne
Re: Renovations at Stornoway

Brad, I want to hit the ground running, so please read this memo carefully – I want all the renovations at Stornoway to be finished before the end of May.

As you know, I plan to take the bus to work during the winter. Unfortunately, the recent cutbacks to buses in Ottawa means that the #2 no longer stops in front of Stornoway. Please schedule a meeting ASAP with Mayor Jim Watson and see if some infrastructure dollars can be used to restore service. I’d like the #2 to stop in front of Stornoway at 7:30 AM, and I’d also like the route changed slightly to pick me up in front of the West Block at 8:00 PM. Make sure the buses on this route are all hybrids.

In the summer, Olivia and I plan to bike to work. Right now, there’s only a viable bike path for about half of my route. Talk to the Head of the NCC and see if they can quickly put together a bike path right to our front door. There’ll be a huge photo opp the first day we bike to work, so please see if you can set up some sort of viewing gallery for the press.

While Olivia loves the kitchen (but, please see her separate memo about new colours and new floors), we need to install a second kitchen on the other side of the house. When the union boys come over, I’d like to feed them burgers and the like, but when our vegan friends come over, I want the finest raw food in the country (local produce only). Two separate kitchens and two separate cooks will keep our constituencies happy. By the way, the last time I was at Stornoway (for that awful lunch with Ignatieff and Duceppe to discuss the coalition), I noticed that Israeli humous was being served. Libby will have a hissy fit if she sees this, so please take it to the food bank in Ottawa.

Thus, in terms of personnel, we can let go of the chauffeur (but can we get him into subsidized housing to ease the transition?) and replace him with another cook. Since we are hiring another person, we can qualify for the new NDP small business incentive of $4,500. Perhaps that money can be part of the severance package for the chauffeur.

I want to dramatically reduce the greenhouse gas emissions of Stornoway. If we assume two limousines, a full house of people, I estimate a total of 75,000 lbs of CO2 emissions per year. If we take a peak month – let’s say 9,000 lbs and multiply by 12 – we can get a normalized total of 108,000 lbs of CO2 per year. Let’s announce an immediate 10% target reduction from the 108,000 figure. It won’t be hard – you’ve seen the backyard – I think we can get 4 windmills in there easy.

Please talk to the staff about changes to holidays. I’d like May Day to be a regular holiday at Stornoway. Great day for burgers with the union guys. Earth Day (April 22nd) is very important to Olivia. Please ensure the power goes off for the whole day, rather than just one hour. Now, do you understand why that vegan kitchen is so important?

Please take care with the handling of my eight guitars. I’d like to put on regular concerts for the press, so can you turn two of the bedrooms into a mini-performance room? Do you think we can televise my first concert? Speak to the CBC. Their reporters always sing along with me.

One last thing. Was Ignatieff a TV junky? There are cable TV jacks all throughout the house. Well, hasn’t anybody noticed that you don’t need cable to get CBC? Call Rogers and cancel our cable, and buy one of those rabbit-ears for the roof; take the savings and donate them to Rabble.



Blogger Bert said...

The scary thing about that is that it is half true.

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What no massage room? Does Jack plan to bike over to Hull for his "health clinic" visits..just be careful it's dangerous riding a bike late at night.

11:17 AM  
Blogger burpnrun said...

The fun is just starting. Going to be a really interesting roller-coaster ride:

I also recomment Silver's appraisal, not so much "how the Libs got here", but how he sees the immediate future of the party unfolding; high drama coming:

11:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious - it really covers all of the types of people that I, as a conservative, hate: people who have to take public transit, people who ride bikes, environmentalists, workers, people who don't eat meat, and people who work in the arts! Great!

12:33 PM  
Blogger maryT said...

Remember that clip of Dion showing off the new gym he had installed, and said it would be great for Harper to work out in, after the next election.
Sorry Jack, no need to bike to a gym and massage parlour.
Make sure your new hires are not underage asian gals.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do Laytons think we are turnips? How insulting of our intelligence.
Olivia Chow was quick to release a written statement, that husband Jack Layton indeed did attend a "registered massage clinic" and she was well aware of it and he "needed a massage" late in the evening.
Jack Layton, later at a rally in Burnaby, was quick to point out and clarify Olivia's comment, that in fact it was a "community clinic" (Velvet Touch -good name) where he obtained his services. In trying to protect his political career, and in tune with the NDP philosophy, he felt it very important to stress it was a "community clinic" not to be confused with a private clinic. It was essential in the middle of this election, to inform Canadians, in order to solicit their support, he wouldn't be caught dead at a private clinic, a for profit health care facility, where illegal, underage, Asian sex workers, would be employed by rip off artists, in the Canadian health care field - it would have to be a community clinic he patronizes - there should be no confusion. The reason that it was late at night that he was there, we would also assume was that he didn't jump the queue, but waited his turn. A good leader leads by example.
I wonder if Canadians becoming more aware of the fine details of the NDP health care platform and of Layton's expansion of health care services to include these "community clinics", help explain the surge in support for the NDP in this current election. Does anybody in the main street media have a better explanation for the NDP surge and why are they reluctant to discuss this NDP expansion of Canada's health services?
Does this also help explain why Layton had the highest expense account of all MP's and leaders?
Why and how could the Toronto city police confuse a community clinic with a bawdy house?

3:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You people make me want to PUKE!!

11:13 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home