Leaked: Jack Layton's Memo on Orientation Feedback....
Memo to: Brad Lavigne
Re: Feedback on orientation last week
Brad, hearty congratulations to you for the incredible orientation session we had in Parliament last week. It was amazing to see so many NDP MPs walking the halls – and the press just lapped it all up.
Jane Taber’s puff, I mean excellent, piece in the Globe & Mail on Brosseau just blew me away. Did you write that? Or did Jane actually write it herself? As soon as the paper came out, I got over 40 calls from other new MPs wanting to be profiled. Dusseault’s mother left at least ten messages on my answering machine – she wanted to know why Brosseau and not her son? Isn’t her son good enough for the Globe? Brad, how did all these people get my cell phone number? And, as of this morning, I have 37 new messages to go through.
I am very concerned about Libby. She tried to push the Globe vending machine down the stairs after she saw the profile. She was breathing so hard, I thought we’d have to get a defibrillator. Did you know the Globe has never written an in-depth article on Libby? Well, after 15 minutes of yelling, I now know that! She only stopped when I promised her that the next NDP newsletter would have her picture on the cover. Please call the editor and have her schedule an appointment with Libby – and make sure there are no questions about Brosseau - Libby is still a bit touchy.
Libby wasn’t the only one who was pissed. Olivia actually called John Stackhouse, the editor of the Globe & Mail to demand why she’s never been profiled. I think even John learnt some new words! So, we need to make a deal with the Globe – a profile of Olivia (including a colour picture on the front page) and I’ll let the Globe have preferred parking for their bicycles at our upcoming conference in Vancouver. Is that enough? If you have to, tell Stackhouse that Taber can have an exclusive covering our ‘vegan circle’ lunch at our upcoming Conference in Vancouver. By the way, Olivia has given me a list of questions the Globe can ask her.
We also need to sort out the parking spaces in Parliament. First, Dewar parked his Volt in Ignatieff’s space, assuming it was free. Then, Ravignat parked his new Lexis in Cannon’s spot, thinking that he also gets his parking space. Anyways, when Ignatieff and Cannon showed up, they had to park in other spots, and soon there was complete gridlock – the RCMP had to come down to clear it all up, and that’s why we all started 2 hours late. I called Van Loan and said this might be a good project for the NDP – we can fix the parking problem in the basement! You see, thanks to the NDP, Parliament’s already working better.
It also sounded like there was a fucking demolition derby in the basement. First, Brosseau scraped Olivia's Beemer, and it’s now in the shop for two weeks. She is still bitching about the lack of leather seats in her replacement car. Then Dusseault rear-ended Pat Martin's Corvette and security had to be called to pull them apart. Three agents from State Farm Insurance were in my office all afternoon. Can you sort this out, please?
And, that reminds me. That last revelation about made-up resumes has me worried. What’s next? That Libby failed toilet training? Seriously, can you check to see if all these new MPs actually have valid driver’s licenses?