Dear Abby?

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in Nepean who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Pembroke and one of my sisters, who lives in Petawawa, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Smith Falls.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Kingston for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Hull and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who voted Liberal?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation