Leaked! Jack Layton's Memo after the First NDP Caucus Meeting!

Memo to: Brad Lavigne

Re: Feedback from our first caucus meeting

What a blast! After getting a 15-minute standing ovation, I couldn’t help but throw my cane away and do a little jig – gee, that Brosseau woman can dance! What a great addition to the caucus! She livened the whole place up! Good thing it was before Olivia came into the room.

And, that reminds me - we need a firmer hand on NDP protocol. Can you please tell the caucus that they must stand when Olivia enters the room? She purposely waited 20 minutes to make a grand entrance and then nobody stood up. I can’t tell you how pissed she was! That made her really crabby for the whole day – and my back just can’t take sleeping on the couch.

Brad, we’ve got to work on the vocabulary of our MPs. First, while I don’t mind shouts of “Allahu Akbar” at caucus meetings, I don’t want to hear it during Question Period. Secondly, please tell Libby to chill out. She blew her stack when Mulcair used the term “Israel” rather than the “Zionist Entity” – and, believe me, 20 minutes of Libby yelling and screaming isn’t fun. But, what a pair of lungs, eh?

I’ve attached the seating arrangements for Parliament. Libby won’t be happy, but I’ve put her down at the end of the front row next to the Liberals. Let’s hope she sits next to Rae – she’ll drive him crazy! Mulcair begged me to put Brosseau next to him, but it will take a few weeks before she is front row material. I told him that if he continued to bitch I’d put him next to Libby. That shut him up! He hasn’t texted me in a week!

I understand there’s a shortage of office space in West Block for the whole caucus. I’ll be happy to share with Brosseau. She’s going to need some private tutoring, no? Is there any chance you can assign Olivia to East Block? Tell her the Privy Council made the office assignments, and it was all out of your control.

And, can we use the roof? Let’s put up some solar panels and take the NDP caucus right off the grid. Do you think we could force the Liberals in West Block to buy our excess power? It might be time for a more muscular NDP, and just charge them, whether they like it or not! The profits could then be used for a roof garden where we could grow our own food. Also, can you send some of the new MPs to gather the berries that grow behind Parliament Hill? They might as well do something constructive. Don’t you think this would make a great photo opp for Rabble?

It is very clear that we need to have some in-house seminars to get our new MPs up to snuff. So, call Noam at MIT and see if he can come up for a weekend. Maybe he can bring Finklestein with him to talk about the Middle East. Tell him to leave his books at home – last time, he wanted to charge full retail and he wouldn’t autograph his books unless people bought them. And, find out if we can show Fahrenheit 9/11 in the evening. I’ve seen it 7 times and I still learn something every time I see it. If Noam is busy, perhaps Ward Churchill can make it.

I received a lot of tweets complaining about the singing of the national anthem at caucus meetings. To balance things out, how about singing a song about Gaia? Call Suzuki and see if he knows a good environmental anthem for us to sing. But, don’t tell him we’re inviting Noam for some seminars, otherwise, he’ll just show up. And, then he’ll send us another one of his bloody invoices.

Jack